MEDIAL PERSONALITY – Part 5:  Metaphors & Strategies for a Subtle Medial

Mirrors & Projection Screens; Fish Scales & Hummingbird Wings; Power Surges & Brownouts; Automatic Faucetsthese are metaphors I’ve used to explain my own experiences as a subtle medial. 

 

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Mirrors & Projection Screens

When we look at a mirror we see a reflection.  We don’t ‘see’ the mirror.  When I think of a mirror, I usually associate it with my own reflection and checking on my appearance.  But looking into a mirror could just as easily show a reflection of someone or something else.  It depends on where one is standing in relation to the mirror — one’s perspective.  The rear-view mirrors in our cars show us what is behind us while we are driving — both in space and time. 

In our everyday lives we are often ‘mirrors’ for each other.  Our interactions reflect our perceptions of each other.  We generally trust that what we ‘see’ is ‘real’, and we adjust our behavior accordingly.

But what happens if the mirror gives distorted reflections or sometimes operates like a two-way mirror and sometimes becomes a window?  What if what is ‘seen’ is not a true reflection of the other?  What if the mirror becomes a projection screen?

In recent years I’ve described myself as a mirror that is more ‘reflective’ than most — a mirror so reflective that it is almost impossible to ‘see’.  Most of the time this is not a problem.  When I am centered; when I am grounded in my own identity; when I feel the support of Inner Resources, I am able to be authentically myself regardless of how others ‘see’ me.  Like Delattre’s Great Hum, I can usually manage to “wear the mask the world places upon” me. 

“…Assume any mask the world places upon you and wear it with ease. Only then will your own divine countenance shine through…”

I long ago stopped trying to explain myself to others.  It’s more important that others know who they are.  Sometimes I return a mask to the person who ‘placed’ it on me.  I do this when it feels as if the person has given away too much their power to me.  I try to be gentle in my refusal.  I want them to feel empowered not rejected.

Not being ‘seen’ only becomes a problem for me when I am in the role of one being helped.  Casual interactions with store clerks are usually uneventful.  It becomes more troublesome when I need help with home repairs or car problems.  The real difficulty is when I — the real person — need help. 

When I really need help, my helper is rarely able to see me well enough to give me what I need.  The help offered goes to a reflection.  I thank my helper for his effort and explain that it’s not what I need.  I ask again making my request clearer and more specific — at least from my point of view.  My helper tries again from a different perspective but still doesn’t see me, and again the help goes to a reflection.  The cycle repeats until my helper becomes frustrated and gives up:  “I’ve done everything I can for you and it’s not enough!”  Both of us are wounded by the experience. 

Most of the time this kind of mismatch doesn’t progress to the point of frustration.  I don’t let it get that far.  I have learned to accept the caring intent of the help that goes to the reflection.  When I am spiritually and emotionally needy, I go inward and receive what I need from Inner Resources.  I can reach out afterward for validation from flesh and blood humans, and that is extremely valuable. 

As I grow older and my body progresses in the slow decline of aging, being ‘seen’ becomes more of an issue.  Eventually I will need to rely on others for what I can no longer do for myself.  I am concerned about the quality of the medical treatment that will be offered to me, and I am concerned about becoming so much of a burden for my caregivers that they feel intense resentment toward me.


Fish Scales & Hummingbird Wings

I haven’t always interpreted the misperceptions from others in terms of Jungian concepts.  More than fifteen years ago, I wrote about a ‘physical component’. 

What if there is something about the physical being of a person that from birth sets up some kind of interference in the perceptions or subjective experiences of others?  Others could be drawn to or rejecting of such a person based more on illusion than on reality.  This ‘something’ could be brain waves; aura; pheromones; oscillations in molecular and atomic structures that are out of sync with the world, or something else currently unknown to us.

Perhaps this ‘physical component’; causes the person to be like a mirror or a movie screen that reflects the projections of others — either positive or negative.  Others would treat the projections as if they are real and become frustrated, resentful, and rejecting when the person does not react in accordance with the projection.

There are examples of the reflection of illusion in nature.  The beauty of rainbow trout and hummingbird wings is due to the way the scales and the feathers influence light.  The feathers and scales are themselves colorless.  What if a person has similar properties reflecting something that is illusion rather than reality — or a truth about the observer rather than the observed?

The beauty of rainbow trout and hummingbird wings is due to the way the scales and the feathers influence light.  The feathers and scales are themselves colorless. 

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This theory of a physical component does not contradict the Jungian concept of the medial personality.  Both could be different approaches to understanding the same thing.


Brownouts & Power Surges

These same differences of physical constitution and/or medial personality may be responsible for other problems in relationships.  I have found that the quality of my presence influences how others perceive me and how they react to me — especially when I am experiencing intense emotions. 

Maybe I operate on a different type of subtle energy system.  We are all aware of what happens with electricity in our homes.  Some electrical appliances draw more current than others.  Household lights dim when those are turned on.  Overloaded circuits blow fuses and trip breakers.  On the rare occasions when too much electricity flows through power lines, lights initially become brighter and then burn out — along with our computers — unless we have them plugged into surge protectors.  What if some of us have subtle energy systems that affect others in this way? 

Brownouts:  I have noticed that if I go to someone for help when I am emotionally and/or spiritually needy, I draw from that person more than he or she is prepared to give — even if I am careful about personal and professional boundaries and clear in my communications.  This is what I call a brownout’, aka, ‘burnout’.

Power Surges:  Something similar happens when I am euphoric.  My euphoria is contagious and infects the other causing him or her to react in uncharacteristic ways:  making exaggerated compliments; disclosing too much personal information; blurring boundaries; offering intimacy.  When the influence of my euphoria wears off, the other experiences embarrassment and regret.  I call this a ‘power surge.’ 


Automatic Faucets

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All of us at one time or another have had the experience of another’s need drawing a response from us when we didn’t feel that we had anything to give.  Well, maybe we didn’t.  The other’s need drew a response through us the way putting hands beneath an automatic faucet draws forth water.  Subtle medials have an enhanced ability to perform this function.  Others draw through us what they need — even to the extent that our personalities may change in response to that need. 

None of us are tempted to glamorize the function of the automatic faucets we find in public restrooms, but it is not the same when people function that way.  Rather than recognizing the human automatic faucet as just an instrument, we tend to attribute the help received to the human being.  We focus our gratitude, admiration and respect on an instrument and not on its Source.  

When those of us who operate as human automatic faucets are unaware of our function, our egos will accept all of this as our due.  We own what flows through us as our identity rather than our function.  When no one activates the flow, we feel empty — because we are. 

The traditional label for finding one’s identity and validation in helping others is ‘codependence.’  The concept grew out of addiction treatment.  Beginning with Alcoholics Anonymous the term applied to those who ‘enabled’ the alcoholic’s addiction.  Eventually the term was applied to those who sought validation in helping others because their dysfunctional family system did not provide this for them when they were children.

I suspect there are different types of codependence.  Sometimes codependent behavior is caused by growing up in a dysfunctional family — with or without addiction as a contributing factor.  Sometimes it is due to the value a culture places on care giving — especially for women.  Sometimes it is the inherent function of a subtle medial personality.  And sometimes it is from some combination of these sources.

It is important for subtle medials to understand that we have identities separate from and more than what flows through us in response to others’ needs, expectations, and projections.  Otherwise we become possessed by the medial archetype and lose ourselves to our medial functions.

Subtle medials have identities separate from and more than what flows through us in response to others’ needs, expectations, and projections. 


Strategies for Managing My Own Medial Nature

Those of us with subtle medial personalities have a different way of ‘being.’  We need to understand this well enough to function in the world around us.  While medials are defined by the traits we have in common, we are sufficiently different from each other that we each need to develop our own ways of functioning in the world. 

What follows is a strategy I developed for myself.  Again I advise you to listen for the echo of your own lives in what I’ve written.”


Clare’s Strategy for Dealing with the External World of the Consensual Reality

1. I accept that what I am affects my relationships with others as much as — if nor more than — what I do.

2. I assume responsibility in relationships.  I accept that others will not ‘see’ me, and I make an effort to respond to misperceptions with tact and compassion.  I am careful to establish and maintain clear boundaries.  I set limits on other’s efforts to help me because they may not know when they have reached theirs.

3. I work at compensating for my effect on others.  I attempt to use good communication skills and to evaluate what is appropriate behavior for various situations.

4. The misperceptions I attract cause difficulties in conflict resolution.  To compensate, I try to contain my emotional reactions.  If possible, I leave a volatile situation to calm and to evaluate what happened.  I may write about it in a letter to the person before discussing it with them.  This gives the other time to reflect before responding.  It also removes the influence of my physical presence.  Sometimes I just write the letter to process what happened and never deliver it.  If I feel that more is needed, I will follow the letter — delivered or not — with a face-to-face discussion.  I may invite a neutral witness to assist with this.

5. Because I, too, misperceive others, I need to do reality checks with people whose judgment I can trust.

6. I need frequent time alone without outside influences to be myself and think my own thoughts.

7. I attend to my inner life and rely on Inner Sources for support and guidance. When I experience intense emotions, I go there for help. I wait until the intensity has dissipated before reaching out for validation from flesh and blood humans.


Clare’s Strategy or Dealing with the Inner World of the Other Consciousness

1. I practice maintaining a moment-to-moment awareness of this inner world.  I pay attention to thoughts, emotions, and physical sensations.  I have inner conversations with the concepts that have become my companions and guides.

2. I evaluate those inner experiences using both intellect and intuition to discern if, when, and how to translate those to the external world.  I’ve learned that I need to question whether the intense emotions I feel are mine or some else’s or both. When it’s ‘both,’ separating mine from another’s is more difficult.  I also question impulses to action.  Is this genuine intuitional guidance or some totally personal response?  How could my actions affect others?  Would they be harmed if I acted on the impulse?  Can I cope with the consequences if things don’t go well? 

3. I manage boundaries in the inner world.  I ask for guidance within and from that place. How do I help this person or this situation?  Is it necessary that I take action in the external world?  Do I reach out from my interior place to theirs?  Do I boundary myself in my own depths and ‘hold space’ for the other in doing so?  Most often I’m directed to boundary myself.  My boundaried presence there facilitates others’ access to the depths within themselves.  Reaching out from my space to theirs could interfere with their process.

4. I pay attention to my body.  My body is an instrument for discernment.  Are muscles relaxed or tense?  Butterflies in my stomach?  Tightness in my throat?  Dryness in my mouth?  Tunneled vision or panoramic view?  Sometimes my body signals a shift in my state of consciousness.  I may feel subtle energy flowing through me.  My body may convulse around my abdomen.  This often occurs when I’m directed to ‘go deep’ or told to ‘loosen the connections.’  ‘Going deep’ is entering my own depths and being boundaried there.  ‘Loosening the connections’ is making my inner boundaries permeable so that material from the depths flows through me.  I experience ‘going deep’ and ‘loosening the connections’ as slightly differing states of inner consciousness that I also feel in my physical body.

5. I continue to learn from and about this inner world and how I operate there.

 


Resources

Corson, Roberta Bassett. (1998). Wounds of the Medial Woman in Contemporary Western Culture. Santa Barbara: Pacifica Graduate Institute

de Castillejo, Irene Claremont. (1973). Knowing Woman: A Feminine Psychology. New York: Harper & Row.

Delattre, Pierre. (1971). Tales of a Dalai Lama. Boston: Houghton Mifflin

Progoff, Ira. (1975). At a Journal Workshop: The Basic Text and Guide for Using the Intensive Journal Process. New York: Dialogue House Library.

MEDIAL PERSONALITY – Part 4: Narrowing the Focus – The Subtle Medial’s Effects on Others

Preface

“Life insists on being lived, and anything that belongs to one’s life which is allowed to lie dormant has to be lived by someone else.” 

The above quote is from Knowing Woman by Irene Claremont de Castillejo.

My lack of academic education and clinical experience in Jungian psychology suggests that I am a “someone else” living out what others have “allowed to lie dormant”.  Most of what has been written about the medial personality is in the form of academic papers hidden away in the libraries of Jungian institutions.  It shouldn’t be.  The world has need of it.  My writing is a poor substitute for that expertise.  Yet it is “the little I can do”, and I would regret not doing it.

I have been tormented by this project for the last three and a half years.  I feel intense pressure to complete it.  Perhaps I can manage that it just one more article.  I want to be done with this!  It has been an extraordinarily painful process. 

Because my only expertise is my own life, I am continuing to use material from my journal and from personal correspondence revised for clarity and confidentiality.  And I will continue to reiterate what I wrote in the first article of this series:

“Listen for the echo of your own lives in what I’ve written. That is what is most important! Each of us knows more than we realize. Our ‘knowing’ is not something anyone can teach us. It is something we already have; it is ours to discover or rediscover.”

 


Rationale for Narrowing the Focus

By our very nature those of us with medial personalities make available to others material from the collective unconscious.  We need to know about this function.  We need to know that we are doing this.  Then we need to understand as much as possible how it is happening and how it is affecting others.  Otherwise we may cause unintentional wounding.  We will hurt people because of who we are.  And we will be wounded in turn by their reactions to us.

There are schools for vivid medials — those with obvious gifts who would qualify for training as psychics and mediums.  Shamanism addresses walking between worlds and has its own traditions of training and initiation.  Managing how these gifts affect others would be covered in such training.

Self-help books for ‘empaths’ and ‘highly sensitive people’ come the closest to addressing issues faced by subtle medials.  However, these are usually written from the perspective of traditional mental health practices, and they focus on managing the effects from others.  Little is written about managing the effects on others.

I suspect that many — if not most — subtle medials have little difficulty in learning to manage the transmission of material from the collective unconscious.  It is experienced as a gift that is beneficial for themselves and for the people around them.  Learning to manage this medial function may have come so easily, that they were hardly aware of having done so at all.

I’m not one of those.  Throughout my life, my medial nature has caused many difficulties for me and for those around me.  It has taken a lifetime to understand this.  Along the way I sought help from therapists and from spiritual directors.  I learned what I could from each of them, but they usually fell victim to unintentional wounding caused by my medial nature.  And I was wounded in turn by their reactions to me.

It has taken most of my life — I’m 72 — for me to become healthy enough to realize that if I go to someone for help when I am emotionally and/or spiritually needy, I draw from that person more than he or she is prepared to give — even if I am careful about personal and professional boundaries and clear in my communications.  I no longer put others at that risk.  Inner sources provide for my immediate needs, and I can reach out for human support afterward.

In the 1970’s Catherine Doherty’s book, Poustinia, gave my life sufficient meaning and purpose for me to continue living, and it provided the loose structure I needed to organize my life.  The following decade, Irene Claremont de Castillejo’s book, Knowing Woman, helped me understand much of what I was going through, and Ira Progoff’s Intensive Journal gave me a way to confront and learn about my medial qualities.  And of course, I’m still learning.  But there is a completeness to my life now and more wholeness than I ever imagined possible.

 


 

- - - - The more things change - meme

From ‘Psychic Typhoid Mary’ to ‘The Great Hum:

I’ve been through a lot of therapy!  Much of my work there has been about overcoming shame.  In my earlier years, I labeled myself a ‘Psychic Typhoid Mary’.  I was a carrier of something that hurt others even though it was never my intention.  I didn’t know what it was, but I felt intense shame because of it.  Therapists taught me that my shame was based on a false idea that influenced my behavior, and therefore, it was my behavior and not my ‘being’ that caused the difficulties in relationships.

I did a lot of intensive work on healing shame and changing my behavior, but it didn’t help all that much.  Learning about ‘undifferentiated’ medials gave me another way to approach the problem.  Below is an entry from my Poustinia Journal for June 1989.

My image of myself as undifferentiated medial:  It’s as if I were wearing all sorts of little windows and mirrors all over me and not knowing they were there. The various perspectives of the people around me would cause them to see many different things. Each person would be seeing lots of windows and mirrors, but not everyone would see the same things.  The multiple images would cause a variety of unpleasant symptoms — burning eyes, headaches, nausea, and confusion.  Few would be able to look past the visual barrage and see me.  I would either be invisible to them or associated with the unpleasantness of the assault on the senses.

I’ve known that people were uncomfortable around me and tried to change everything about myself — except my clothes.  I brushed my teeth and used mouthwash, showered and used underarm deodorant.  I worked at improving my manners and conversational skills.  None of these things helped.

What I needed to do was to cover and label each little window and mirror.  Then people would have been able to see me.  And if they wanted to look at a mirror or through a window, they could choose where to look and could lift one cover at a time and really be able to see something and make use of it.

I have never managed to “cover and label each little window and mirror”, but I have developed strategies for managing others’ reactions.  That is a subject for another time.

A few years ago a wonderful story by Pierre Delattre gave me a more helpful image — one that taught me to accept the reactions of others with compassion.  The title of the story is Ten Conversations at Once, and it tells of a young (fictional) Dalai Lama who seeks help from a more advanced lama who can carry on ten simultaneous conversations.  The simultaneous conversations sound like humming, and so that lama is nicknamed the ‘Great Hum’.

In the story, the young Dalai Lama was troubled by others’ reactions to his appearance rather than his reality.  He sought advice from the Great Hum who responded in part:

“Once you’re free from bondage to your face, you’ll be able to take on as many faces as you like — not just two or three but a thousand. The more faces you assume, the more your expressions will remain the same. Eventually, when you try to resemble me, as you are doing now, you will find that I have come to resemble you instead. But you have much to learn before then. You are faced with contradictory feelings about your role and will remain so until you can assume any mask the world places upon you and wear it with ease. Only then will your own divine countenance shine through…”

Since then I’ve aspired to be more like the Great Hum and to accept with compassion misperceptions and projections from others — while also working to acknowledge my own failings in perception and the projections of my own shadow.  It is always a work in progress.

- - - - Assume any mask -Delattre meme

 


References

Corson, Roberta Bassett. (1998). Wounds of the Medial Woman in Contemporary Western Culture. Santa Barbara: Pacifica Graduate Institute

de Castillejo, Irene Claremont. (1973). Knowing Woman: A Feminine Psychology. New York: Harper & Row.

Delattre, Pierre. (1971). Tales of a Dalai Lama. Boston: Houghton Mifflin

Doherty, Catherine de Hueck. (1975) Poustinia: Christian Spirituality of the East for Western Man. Notre Dame: Ave Maria Press.

Progoff, Ira. (1975). At a Journal Workshop: The Basic Text and Guide for Using the Intensive Journal Process. New York: Dialogue House Library.

MEDIAL PERSONALITY – Part 3: Living in Two Worlds

Preface

Publishing this series on the medial personality is difficult for me.  I am not an expert on anything except my own life and even there I’m still learning.  My anticipation of others’ reactions threatens to derail the project.  I am tempted to write for potential critics when I’m not on the verge of giving up altogether.

Concepts about the medial are complex and explaining them requires personal disclosure.  It’s not easy to find the right balance of telling enough about myself to illustrate the concepts without making myself the focus.  To counter that, I’m using material from my journal and from personal correspondence — revised only for clarity and for confidentiality.  That writing is as unself-conscious and as honest as I get!

I want to reiterate something I wrote in the first article of this series:

“Listen for the echo of your own lives in what I’ve written.  That is what is most important!  Each of us knows more than we realize.  Our ‘knowing; is not something anyone can teach us.  It is something we already have; It is ours to discover or rediscover.”


Living in Two Worlds

- - - - unicorn meme - cropped

While I can smile at the humor of this unicorn meme, it actually rings true for me.  Events in the everyday world are disorienting.  It is only in the depths of my inner world — a world where unicorns may be found — that I feel validated.

I was born living in two worlds.  I think all of us are.  As children we lived in the inner world of our imaginations as much as we did external reality of everyday consciousness.  As we grew toward adulthood, this changed.  The world of our imaginations was almost imperceptibly replaced by the consensual reality of everyday life.  Some of us never stopped living in two worlds.  It took many of us a long time to recognize this and some of us never will.  It took me decades! 

NOTE:  I need to explain the words I use.  Elsewhere I’ve written that the medial was born living in two worlds:  “the outward world that is considered ‘reality’ by consensus and an inner world of the collective unconscious.”  I interpret Jung’s term, ‘collective unconscious’ as an umbrella for other concepts that I associate with that realm:  creativity, imagination, dreams, daydreams, fantasy, insights, intuitions, gut feelings, mystical experiences, altered states of consciousness, nonordinary experiences, etc.  And so, I could also say that all of us were born living in the inner world of the collective unconscious and the outer world of the consensual reality.

I feel the unreality of ‘reality’.  With a foot in each world, I can’t maintain my balance for very long.  I fall to one side or the other.  When I spend too much time in the consensual reality, I begin to believe in the separations that define it.  Then I suffer.  In the past I feared that complete immersion in the inner world would risk insanity.  I don’t anymore.

I’m not sure when I began feeling drawn to this inner world.  It had an eerie, seductive quality, and I called it the ‘Other Consciousness.’  It frightened me.  I was afraid that I would get lost there and not be able to find my way back.  And there was another fear, too:

“The fear that I’ll look foolish — that my body will be in one world and my consciousness in another, and I will act out in my body things appropriate to the other world but inappropriate to where it is.”  (Poustinia Journal, July 1989)

Back then, I used Ira Progoff’s Intensive Journal to confront this Other Consciousness and my fear of it.  The Intensive Journal provides a method for personifying concepts so that they can be explored in written dialogues — essentially inner conversations.  Progoff called these conversations Dialogues with Events.  It has always been my favorite part of the Intensive Journal.

After many dialogues over a period of several months, the Other Consciousness revealed itself as a trinity of concepts with one of them eventually shifting identities to that of my medial nature, ‘Medie’.  That was in 1989.

In those dialogues, the Other Consciousness told me:

It is imperative that you learn to perform your role as medium (medial) correctly.  There is much good that you could do.  The dangers from a knowing misuse of that role are not nearly as great as its misuse from ignorance.  And not much good can come from allowing it to happen — from allowing the ignorance to continue.

It would really help if you understood as much as possible about how the mediating works.  You don’t have to deliberately use it.  You already know some things about the process.  At the very least, review and organize the knowledge you do have.

It would help if you could distinguish your own emotions from those belonging to someone else.  It would also help if you could distinguish between responses that are genuinely to you from those that are to material that’s been mediated.

Being centered is a prerequisite to being able to make those distinctions, but you need to be more than just centered.  Once you are centered, what you need to do will become clearer.

Despite my intention to immediately comply with this guidance, my inner work went into hiatus shortly after that.  For the next twenty years or so my attention was drawn to the external world of school and work.  Occasionally some personal distress would send me back to the Other Consciousness for assistance.

During the past decade, I’ve learned that when I have both feet firmly planted in the inner world, I can function well in both worlds — maintaining an awareness of oneness in the illusion of separation.  It is not easy to do this, and far too frequently I fail.  It is only in cooperating with Grace that I am able to do anything at all.  It has taken most of my life to understand this.  (Below is a quote from my Poustinia Journal from 2008)

Try walking with two ‘right’ feet. It’s easier than having a right foot and a left foot going in different directions. 


Excerpts from my Poustinia Journal:

Sunday, October 22, 1989:  (Reflecting on events surrounding my move from Iowa City to Los Angeles in 1973, a spiritual quest common to that time)  That whole period in my life was lived at the point of convergence on my Map of Consciousness.  I frequently lived in that Other Consciousness and my actions were determined by events there.  But I also lived in the ordinary world and kept track of everyday reality and accepted responsibility for myself and the consequences of my actions in that everyday reality.

I remember, too, the confusion about which world to live in.  The Other Consciousness usually felt more authentically ‘me.’  But sometimes it would seem too ‘far out,’ and I would switch back to everyday, practical reality where education, job, security and opportunities of advancement, conformity, etc., felt more appropriate.  The ‘right’ thing to do.   Acceptable.  But I always knew which consciousness I was in.  The confusion was about which to choose.  The confusion over choice extends back before the period I wrote about — at least a year or two before that.  And more likely all the way back to my childhood.

…I remember how the role of medial seemed to explain a lot of things that puzzled me about my problems with relationships.  Recently while reading Codependent No More, I found in that whole syndrome (of codependence) a more complete and acceptable (reasonable, rational, normal) explanation of those same problems.  Now this role of medial, psychic stuff comes up again.  I suspect that they are both the same thing, but from different perspectives.  Having weak boundaries is part of codependence, and I’ve also heard weak boundaries used as an explanation for psychic experiences.

I’m not sure where I am now on my Map of Consciousness, but I suspect I’ve been living more in ordinary reality, and my plans for school, career, marriage, etc. are in the ordinary reality.  I wonder if they will continue to be so.  Medie (My Role of Medial) and Other Consciousness both kept insisting on their importance in my life — “central to it” — no matter how much I argued against them.  I hope the whole thing manages to be resolved, integrated, and made wholesome.


Earlier entries:

Sunday, May 29, 1988:  I feel as if I live at the point of convergence of different ‘realities.’  I work hard at staying in the everyday, Ego reality, but occasionally drift toward Madness.  It’s a weird, crazy sort of feeling that I try to avoid and push away.  Depression, loneliness, unhappiness and anger aren’t a part of Madness.  They are very much a part of the everyday, Ego reality.  I want to live out of the Self, and I’ve been there enough to know what it’s like and that it’s possible to do that.

Self has a weird sort of feeling, too — weightless, free-fall.  The initial experience of it is so much like Madness that I automatically push it away, too.  The boundary between the Self and Madness is easily crossed and I’m afraid of moving toward the Self and finding myself in Madness instead.


Wednesday, April 26, 1989:  I don’t have my ‘Map’ with me.  But I feel as if I’m living out of my Self while trying to heal parts of Ego and Madness and having to fight the pull of each.  If I can manage to do this — more or less by choice — maybe I will be able to handle ‘bad things’ happening without becoming severely depressed.

Ego reactions this morning.  Feeling a little depressed.  Insecurity about my ability to have loving relationships.  Loneliness — wanting loving relationships.  Reminded myself that living out of Self gives me all I need for me and for others.  That is possible, and I can choose to do so.

Tonight feeling lonely and insecure — ‘different.’  Not like those who are people-oriented and with lots of people resources.  Not as lovable as they.  My most significant, human other is a professional relationship.

I’ve got to remember that feelings like this come from Ego.  I’m not really needy or inadequate.  I have it all within me.  And I’ve been living out of that space for most of the last four months.  That’s what I have to remember.  Growth — and maybe eventual involvement with people — will come from that place within.

Let’s face it, I am different.  Not eccentric or crazy, but ‘complex’ and ‘different’ and surprisingly simple, too.


Tuesday, June 27, 1989:  After reading Chapter IV, Role of Woman as Mediator, in Irene Claremont de Castillejo’s, Knowing Woman, it’s obvious that the role of mediator (medial) is strongest in me.  It explains a lot of things:

Needing to be alone so that I can sort out my own thoughts and emotions and distinguish them from the influences of others.

Being able to put on another’s skin and speak for him as I did so often in the various forms of group therapy — and for friends.

Why various people found my giving and caring to be threatening.  G’s saying, “I was afraid you could see through me.”  Maybe I saw too clearly.  I was certainly experienced as being too intense.

The times I’ve misunderstood another but didn’t realize it until some time afterward.  My delay in experiencing reactions to various events, feeling angry or insulted and discovering what I really wanted to say too long after the event to say it.  Are these all part of being a medium, too?  Having my identity so overshadowed by the person I’m with that I cannot respond as my Self until I am away from them, until I’m alone.

My Map of Consciousness.  Feeling that I was at the convergence of Ego, Self, and Madness.  The confusion of moving from one to another and feeling ‘crazy,’ or of being in two at once.

The poustinia is an appropriate vocation for a medial.  But is it still mine?  Can I achieve the greatest wholeness there?  Or is marriage a better path for me?  I would choose marriage if I could become whole enough to be a positive medial.  Otherwise the quarantine of the poustinia would provide for the mutual protection of myself and the world around me.  And maybe only in the solitude can I be positive enough to benefit both myself and the rest of the world.


Wednesday, June 28, 1989:  I feel unlovable.  Too different.  Too uncomfortable.  Too much the negative medial.  When useful as a medial, too invisible.  I pour myself out and there is nothing to fill me.  In a marathon group therapy I did role playing for so many.  Wanting someone to do that for me.  No one did.  No one could?

Anger (someone else’s not directed at me) – resistance to it makes me hard like a tuning fork.  Opening to it makes me soft, and I let it flow through me and dampen its effect.  So much material coming out.  I feel overwhelmed by it at times.  Drowning.  I want a break from it.  But afraid to stop the flow or try to slow it down.


Friday, June 30, 1989:  How do I do that?  How do I learn to control the mediating?  Exploring the whole area of being a medial and an intuitive is a terrible temptation to pride and superiority.  Every person I’ve known who has claimed to be psychic has been unbalanced and used the gift destructively.  I would rather deny it than do that, but Irene Claremont de Castillejo says that it will just have to be dealt with by a later generation when other business would be more appropriate for them.  I guess I’ll just have to wrestle with it as best I can.

There seems to be something very strong in me that will not allow the essential part of me to be lost or overshadowed for long.  Self-preservation is a powerful force in me.  My spiritual director has commented that I’ve continued to be my individual self even when it was confusing and uncomfortable to do so.

I really want to understand this medial role in myself.  I want to see it for what it really is without all the prideful, ego inflating things getting in the way.  I want to be able to distinguish events in the past when I operated as an undifferentiated medial from those that were something else entirely.

I honestly don’t think I’m a strong psychic.  But something in me definitely appears to have acted as an undifferentiated medial.  I have had difficulty sorting out my own thoughts and feelings from those of the people around me.  ‘Impressionable’ I’ve called it.  I am not as ‘impressionable’ as I used to be.  Or am I?  I’m not as ‘nice’ to unattractive people as I used to be.  I’m most comfortable and at peace when I’m alone.  But I’ve had lots of bad experiences with people since I was a child.  Maybe this is all because I learned to be a people pleaser rather than being intuitive.  Or do the two go together?


 

Map of Consciousness

- Meme - People with think you're crazy

These journal entries mention my Map of ConsciousnessI chose to write about it last because it just sounds ‘crazy’!

I did a lot of work before I understood my reliance on the inner world.  I experienced shifts that appeared to have more to do with different states of consciousness than with emotions.  To sort this out, I created a map that divided consciousness into three, overlapping states:  Madness, Sanctity, and Ego.

According to my Map of Consciousness:

Ego is everyday reality where things are:

  • ordinary,
  • controlled, and
  • known. 

Madness and Sanctity share qualities of being: 

  • extraordinary,
  • out of control, and
  • unknown. 

They differ in that Madness is:

  • insane
  • unwholesome, and
  • sick. 
  • Perhaps evil?

While Sanctity is:

  • wholesome,
  • holy, and 
  • the true Self. 

There is a fine line between Madness and Sanctity and a point of convergence where the three states meet.

I created my Map of Consciousness before I learned about the medial (aka ‘mediumistic woman’), and found validation for it when I did.  Plotting my experiences on the map, I often found that I was at or near the point of convergence.  Below are two versions of my Map of Consciousness:  a photo of the original and a recreation for clarity. 

- - - - Map of Consciousness - photo of original
Original Map of Consciousness probably created in early 1988 or before.
- - - - Map of Consciousness typed scan

Map of Consciousness recreated for clarity.

 


 

References

Beattie, Melody.  (1987) Codependent No More.  Center City:  Hazelden

Corson, Roberta Bassett.  (1998).  Wounds of the Medial Woman in Contemporary Western Culture.  Santa Barbara:  Pacifica Graduate Institute

de Castillejo, Irene Claremont.  (1973).  Knowing Woman: A Feminine Psychology.  New York: Harper & Row.

Progoff, Ira.  (1975).  At a Journal Workshop:  The Basic Text and Guide for Using the Intensive Journal Process.  New York:  Dialogue House Library.

MEDIAL PERSONALITY – Part 1: Definition, History, and Related Concepts from an Autodidact’s Perspective

- - - - QUOTE - Part 1

Preface

How do I begin to write about this?  It’s something I’ve struggled with all my life — long before I had a name for it.  Irene Claremont de Castillejo provided that name in her book, Knowing Woman, when I read it for the first time more than thirty years ago.  Since then I’ve been using the concept of the medial to understand myself and to work out ways to live with my medial nature so that it causes the least disruption for myself and others.  I’ve done this for me with no expectation that I would disclose any of it outside the privacy of spiritual direction.

That changed in November of 2014 when I was taking a course to become certified as a spiritual director.  Among the assigned readings was a biography of Henri Nouwen by Michael Ford, Wounded Prophet.  I was amazed at what I found there.  Henri Nouwen was a medial!

Nouwen’s life as presented in Ford’s book clearly shows the influence of the medial archetype.  From Ford’s description, it would be easy to diagnose Nouwen as having borderline personality disorder or at least codependence.  I understood the dynamics of his psychological pain from my own experiences.  Nouwen was possessed by the medial archetype.  He was ‘all things to all people’ and felt lost and desperately lonely when he was not in front of an audience or with supportive others.  Others drew through Nouwen what they needed, and the medial archetype made that possible.  Nouwen’s distress was because he did not understanding that dynamic.  When he was alone and nothing was being transmitted through him, he felt empty — because he was.  Nouwen was unable to realize that he was separate from and more than what flowed through him.

No doubt, this is an overly simplistic interpretation of Nouwen.  He was a much more complicated man than what I’ve just described.  He listened for Guidance and took great risks in following what he discerned.  His writing shows depth and spiritual maturity, and his published works continue to inspire others.

What shocked me was that I’d been graced with sufficient understanding of the medial function to realize the importance of having an identity separate from it.  Inner Guidance insisted that I needed to share this with others.  I was overwhelmed with dread at the prospect.  I made ineffectual efforts to comply, but didn’t manage to get past my fear.  Now more than three years later and because of an unintended public post on Facebook, other medials have asked that I write what little I’ve learned about it.

I still don’t know how to do this.  I’ve reviewed some academic material about the medial, but that doesn’t feel like the way to proceed.  I’ve come to understand that medials must do their own exploration.  It’s part of the spiritual journey, and as such, it is so unique that it is primarily a do-it-yourself proposition.  One of my gifts as a medial is to facilitate others’ access to their own inner wisdom.  I trust that what I write will do this, even if the specifics do not apply at all.  I have not studied this in any formal setting

Metaphors and images from my own inner work and excerpts from my journals may be more helpful than academic explanations — although I will provide a little of that as well.  This post is likely to focus more on ‘academic explanations’ in order to provide background and context for future posts.  I expect all of this to be a disjointed communication about a complex topic published in an erratic series of blogs rather than a continuity of polished articles whose topics flow logically from one to the next.

NOTE:  Please understand that my ‘academic explanations’ are limited by my incomplete knowledge of the subject.  I have not studied this in any formal setting.  What research I’ve done has simply been to make sense of my life.  I haven’t gone deeper than what I’ve needed for myself.  Therefore, my presentation of this material is likely to contain an inherent bias of perspective.

I encourage you to listen for the echo of your own life in what I’ve written.  That is what is most important!  Each of us knows more than we realize.  Our ‘knowing’ is not something anyone can teach us.  It is something we already have, and it’s ours to discover or rediscover. 

The very best resource for information about the medial is a dissertation by Roberta Bassett Corson published in 1998:  The Wounds of the Medial Woman in Contemporary Western Culture.  I reviewed her dissertation as preparation for this post and much of what I present here is drawn from that.

Roberta Corson’s dissertation is available through ProQuest.com as a PDF document.  Price is $38.  The website is not easy to navigate, and it is helpful to have the publication number:  9912586. 

If you are serious about understanding this topic, Ms. Corson’s work is worth the investment!  For an academic paper, it is an easy read, but feel free to skip sections that don’t seem relevant.  You may want to begin with the five portraits of medial women in Chapter 3 before diving into the background material and the conclusions.

I’ve been immersed in this topic for so long that I no longer remember exactly where I acquired some of the information I’m sharing.  I will provide as much source information as I can.  Eventually I will compile a list of other resources.

What is a Medial?

The term ‘medial’ is short for ‘mediumistic.’  And it all began with Toni Wolff.  She had a complicated relationship with Carl Jung, first as his patient and later as his assistant/guide and eventually his protégé and mistress.  This was not unusual within Swiss culture at that period in time, and Jung’s wife knew of the relationship and accepted the different roles each woman played in Jung’s life — however, not without difficulty on all sides.

Toni Wolff is most noted for her model of women’s personality types.  Of course, her work was influenced by the culture of that time where men played a dominant role and women were subservient.  Consequently, women’s personalities were interpreted in their relationship to men.  Wolff described four personality types for women:  mother; hetaera (companion, friend); Amazon; and the mediumistic woman — or medial.

The medial personality as Wolff proposed it only applied to women.  Although most of the literature on the medial continues to do this, it is no longer true.  It wasn’t even true back then.  Jung, himself was a medial, as was Toni Wolff who used her medial gifts to assist Jung with his inner explorations.  The medial personality is not gender specific!

Medial Archetype, Medial Traits, & Medial Personalities

My best understanding of the medial is as an archetype.  An archetype is an energetic form that provides structures for various functions of human experience and/or personality.  I understand the medial archetype as embodying the ability to access material from what Jung termed the ‘collective unconscious.’

All of us have elements of the medial to one degree or another, and we frequently access material from the collective unconscious through dreams, insights, creative ideas and intuitions.  Just as with any other trait, different people have it to different degrees.  Everyone has it is as part of being human.  For some the medial is also a facet of their personalities that may be activated at some point in their lives — sometimes as a result of spiritual practices, sometimes because of a significant life event, and sometimes as a result of trauma.  For others it defines their personalities and ways of being in the world.

Medial Personality:  Vivid & Subtle Types

Someone with a medial personality is born living in two worlds:  the outward world that is considered ‘reality’ by consensus and an inner world of the collective unconscious.  Because this is experienced from birth, the medial is often unaware of being different in this way and assumes that others have similar experiences.  Roberta Corson’s research distinguished two types of medials:  ‘vivid’ and ‘subtle’.  She discusses these as length in Wounds of the Medial Woman.

Some medials have ‘vivid’ experiences like telepathy, clairvoyance, or precognition.  Others are only aware of a ‘subtle’ sensitivity.  This makes it more difficult for them to identify their medial nature.  Medials of both types often unknowingly attune themselves to the unconscious expectations of others and behave accordingly — which may or may not fit who they truly are. Sometimes they share others’ experiences as if the experiences are their own.  They often have difficulty distinguishing what is theirs from what is another’s.

Both types of medials share the challenges of recognizing, accepting and managing their medial gifts.  Vivid medials have clear evidence of their gifts, but that evidence may be experienced as frightening and confusing.  People around them may also respond with fear and confusion.  Vivid medials are typically what one thinks of as ‘psychics.’  Their gifts are subject to exploitation: 1) the medial’s exploitation of others as an exercise in power and control; 2) others’ exploitation of the medial’s special knowledge for their own ends.

Challenges for subtle medials are more ‘subtle.’  While in the beginning, both types of medials may assume that everyone else experiences life the way they do, it takes longer for subtle medials to identify their differences.  Subtle medials may be so attuned to the desires and expectations of parents and other significant people in their lives that they live the lives others want for them.  It may take years for subtle medials to realize this — even into adulthood.  And once they do, the changes required to live as authentic selves may cause significant disruptions for them and for those around them.

Collective Unconscious & the Medial

One of the medial’s functions is to make material from the collective unconscious available to others.  Until the medial becomes sufficiently aware of his or her access to the depths of the collective unconscious, that material may get communicated to others in ways that cause chaos and disruption.  The proverbial ‘bull in the china shop’ or the clumsy adolescent who hasn’t yet learned to coordinate rapidly growing muscles are images that give the flavor of the inadvertent communication of material from the collective unconscious.

The task of developing an ego that is strong enough to manage living in two worlds is daunting.  Separating one’s individual experiences from shared experiences is difficult and interferes with forming a strong sense of self.  Some never manage this.  Often the medial takes on the projections of another and sometimes of an entire society.  Irene Claremont de Castillejo wrote about this in her book, Knowing Woman.

In the chapter, Roles of Women – Woman as Mediator, de Castillejo wrote: “She (the medial) is permeated by the unconscious of another person and makes it visible by living it.  …She may become permeated by a religious creed and put herself at its service.  She may express in her own person the spirit of an epoch.  Joan of Arc was such a one.”  Later in the same paragraph de Castillejo quoted Toni Wolff:  “The mediumistic type is rather like a passive vessel for contents which lie outside it, and which are either simply lived or else are being formed.”  de Castillejo adds:  “In that sense she is valuable in giving shape to what is still invisible.”

Shadow & the Medial

What the medial responds to and transmits is not always positive.  And it is not always a woman who performs medial functions.  In de Castillejo’s chapter, Responsibility and Shadow, she wrote:

Our interconnection does not end with the family.  We all meet in the unconscious.  How many men have been hanged for murder merely because they were the weak recipients of the murderous shadow of a whole race?  There would be fewer murders if we could all acknowledge within ourselves how easy it would be for anyone of us to kill.  In wartime we explain our brutality some other way.  In peacetime we forget and some man or woman slightly weaker than the rest is hanged virtually for us.

Shadow is not always negative.  ‘Shadow’ is the label Jung gave to those parts of us that are too threatening for us to own or acknowledge.  It can be what we consider ‘bad’ and unacceptable or it can be gifts and abilities that we reject because we fear the demands they could make on us if we were to acknowledge them.

The ‘shadow’ of what we reject is often indiscriminately projected outward where it may be accepted and expressed by someone else.  Joan of Arc accepted the projection of a luminous shadow on behalf of the people of France.  Adolf Hitler may have embodied the dark shadow of the German people of that era.  And perhaps our current President, Donald Trump, is performing the same function for present day United States.

Collective Unconscious

What is this ‘collective unconscious’ that occupies such a prominent place in the lives of medials?  This is one of those concepts that is best approached through images and metaphors.

Even though these days my meditations take me to a vast underground ocean where all waters connect, it was not always so.  Many years ago I relied on Ira Progoff’s metaphor of deep waters and wells.  In his book, At a Journal Workshop, Progoff often referred to the collective unconscious as the Source of All Waters and/or the Source of Deep Wisdom and of Creativity.  He emphasized, as did de Castillejo, that we are all connected there.  Carrying the image forward, he connected the work of the Intensive Journal to accessing the Source of All Waters through our individual wells.

Decades ago in attempts to understand my medial nature, I wrote a journal entry expanding the metaphor to help me explore connections to and interactions with that realm.  What follows is a revised version of that entry.

WELL METAPHOR:  Will, Ego, & Self       

            The will is an attribute, and as such it is neutral.  It is the energy or force that allows for endurance and perseverance.  It can be employed by either the ego or the Self. 

            Identifying one’s will with the ego and labeling it as something ‘bad’ is a fallacy.  And trying to give up one’s will through obedience to another’s will is also a fallacy.  In fact, it cannot be done.  The will must be employed to even be obedient to another.  Obedience to another’s will isn’t even a sound way to overcome one’s ego.  The ego can claim such obedience as its own and further strengthen its hold on the individual.

            The ego itself has been given entirely too bad a name.  Having a healthy ego is essential to knowing one’s Self as an individual and being able to express that Self to the world.  People with weak egos have difficulty knowing who they are apart from others.  People with overgrown egos know that they are separate from others but have lost contact with their Selves.

            Using Progoff’s image of the well and the underground source of all the waters helps to describe this.  The ego is like the shaft of the well that allows the waters of the Self to rise to the surface and be expressed to the outer world as an individual.

            People with overgrown egos have built huge edifices atop their wells. They have something very powerful and individual to express to the outer world, but the waters of their Selves cannot rise to the surface, and they are cut off from their connectedness with others at the Source of All the Waters.

            Some people with weak egos live mostly at the underground source.  Their well shafts are so narrow or crumbling that their waters cannot reach the surface.  They must borrow another’s well shaft in order to have anything to express to the outer world.

            Others with weak egos have trapped themselves above the ground.  Their well shafts are so weak that they have crumbled, and the opening is buried.  These people have totally lost contact with their own well and the Source of All Waters.  They can reach water only by attaching themselves to the above-ground structures of others’ wells.  They are more likely to be attracted to people with overgrown egos than those with healthy ones who might be able to help them reopen their wells.  And so they continue to be cut off from the waters of Self and cling instead to someone else’s illusion.

            People with healthy egos have wide, strong well shafts that are open to the outer world.  They are connected with the underground source of all waters and are able to express themselves as individual springs of refreshment to the outer world.  

MY WELL:     The image of my own well is borrowed in part from Merlin’s spring as described in one of the books I read about King Arthur.  I don’t remember which one.  I use it for the twilight imagery meditation when I prepare to write dialogues for the Intensive Journal.

            There is a spring rising to the surface in a clear, cool trickle of water.  It is surrounded with greenery and wildlife.  Beside it is an old tin cup ready for use by anyone who wants to drink there.  Nearby is a well opening topped with the traditional wishing well structure.  It has a bucket attached to a rope that can be lowered into the well.  I ride in that bucket when I descend to explore the contents of my well, and it ensures my way back when I go deep enough to reach the source of all waters.     (Poustinia Journal, 8/07/1989; revised 7/03/2013; 4/30/2018))

Conclusion

I hope that I have managed to communicate enough about the medial personality to provide sufficient background and context for subsequent posts.  What I’ve presented is an autodidact’s incomplete understanding of the basic concepts — hopefully without too many errors.  While I am a licensed Marriage & Family Therapist, I have no formal training in Jungian psychology.

I write as a medial — and a ‘subtle’ one at that.  I write because my medial nature requires it and because other medials have asked me to give them ‘words’ for their experiences.

There is paradox in this.  Much of the medial experience cannot be languaged.  It is beyond words.  I’ve been privileged to hear James Finley teach on mystical experiences.  What I remember of that lesson is this:

When we talk about what is beyond words, we are only able to understand each other because we have had similar experiences. 

I trust that this paradox applies to the ‘words’ written here.

Acknowledgements

I am grateful to the Facebook friends who encouraged this writing.   Indeed, if not for their comments on my posts, this would not have happened.  Many showed a heartening acceptance and encouragement of ‘otherness.’  Others asked for more information after sharing about their own experiences.

A special thank you to Bonny White and to Jim Curtan.  Bonny provided technical assistance in proofreading and editing this blog.  And both Bonny and Jim have been generous in their understanding, support and encouragement.

References

Corson, Roberta Bassett.  (1998).  Wounds of the Medial Woman in Contemporary Western Culture.  Santa Barbara:  Pacifica Graduate Institute

de Castillejo, Irene Claremont.  (1973).  Knowing Woman: A Feminine Psychology. New York: Harper & Row.

Estes, Clarissa Pinkola.  (1995)  Women Who Run with the Wolves.  New York:  Ballantine Books.

Ford, Michael.  (1999)  Wounded Prophet:  A Portrait of Henri J. M. Nouwen.  New York:  Doubleday.

Finley, James.  (February 22, 2014)  Mystics and the Mind of Christ.  Retreat day for Stillpoint:  The Center for Christian Spirituality.

Myss, Caroline.  (2001)  Sacred Contracts.  New York:  Harmony Books.

Progoff, Ira.  (1975).  At a Journal Workshop:  The Basic Text and Guide for Using the Intensive Journal Process.  New York:  Dialogue House Library.